Starting nursery is a big moment for the whole family. It can bring excitement, pride and anticipation, but it can also bring worry — especially when it is time to say goodbye.
If your child becomes tearful, clingy or reluctant to leave you, you are not doing anything wrong. Separation anxiety is a natural part of early childhood and often reflects the strong, secure bond your child has formed with you.
With time, consistency and sensitive support, children can learn that nursery is a safe and welcoming place — and that the people they love will always come back.
What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety describes the distress a child may feel when they are apart from a parent, carer or another person who helps them feel safe.
It is particularly common between six months and three years of age, although it can happen at other ages and during periods of change. Starting nursery, moving rooms, returning after a holiday or experiencing a change at home may all lead to stronger feelings around separation.
You might notice your child
- becoming tearful or holding tightly to you at drop-off;
- asking repeatedly when you will return;
- appearing reluctant to enter nursery;
- becoming more clingy at home;
- experiencing temporary changes in sleep or behaviour; or
- seeming settled initially, before finding separation more difficult a few weeks later.
These responses do not necessarily mean that your child dislikes nursery or is not settling. Young children often express feelings through their behaviour because they do not yet have all the words they need to explain them.
Why settling into nursery takes time
When children start nursery, they are adjusting to many things at once: unfamiliar surroundings, new adults, other children, different routines and time away from home.
Settling is therefore not a single moment. It is a gradual process in which a child builds familiarity, trust and emotional security.
At Wildflower, our settling-in process begins with short visits and develops at a pace guided by each individual child. Parents and carers initially remain close while their child explores and begins forming a relationship with their Key Person. Small, supported moments of separation are introduced as confidence grows.
Some children move through this process quickly, while others need more time. There is no ‘correct’ speed at which a child should settle.
The importance of your child’s Key Person
Your child’s Key Person provides a familiar and consistent presence at nursery. They take time to understand your child’s routines, interests, preferences and individual ways of communicating.
As their relationship develops, the Key Person becomes someone your child can turn to for comfort, reassurance and encouragement. This secure base helps them feel confident enough to explore, play and learn.
The relationship between families and the Key Person matters too. Sharing information about your child — including what comforts them, how they communicate and anything that may be affecting them at home — helps us provide sensitive, individual support.
How to prepare your child for nursery
A few simple preparations can make the transition feel more predictable.
Talk about what will happen
Use clear, positive language to describe nursery. Tell your child who will be there, what they might do and when you will return.
For younger children, it can help to link your return to a familiar part of the day rather than a time on the clock: ‘I’m going to work, and I’ll come back after your tea.’
Keep explanations honest and straightforward. This helps your child begin to understand the nursery routine and trust what you tell them.
Practise short separations
Where possible, let your child experience short periods with another trusted adult before they begin nursery. These experiences help them learn that they can be safe with someone else and that you will return.
Build familiarity
Looking at photographs, talking about your child’s Key Person and using their name at home can all help nursery feel more familiar. You might also talk about an activity your child enjoyed during a settling visit.
Keep home routines steady
Predictable mealtimes, bedtimes and morning routines can offer reassurance during a period of change. Starting nursery can be tiring, so your child may also need additional rest, closeness and quiet time at home.
Making nursery goodbyes easier
Goodbyes can be emotional, but the way they are handled can help children feel more secure.
Create a short goodbye routine
Choose a simple routine you can repeat each day — a cuddle, a kiss and a familiar phrase such as: ‘Have a lovely day. I’ll be back after tea. Your Key Person is here to look after you.’ A predictable goodbye gives your child a clear signal about what is happening.
Be calm, warm and confident
Children notice our tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. Even if you feel emotional, try to communicate confidence in the adults caring for your child. This does not mean ignoring your own feelings — it simply shows your child that you believe they are safe.
Avoid disappearing without saying goodbye
Leaving while your child is distracted may seem easier in the moment, but it can make separation feel less predictable. A clear goodbye helps your child learn that you leave openly — and that you come back.
Try not to prolong the moment
Repeatedly returning for another cuddle can unintentionally make the separation harder. Once you have said goodbye, allow your child’s Key Person to take over and offer comfort.
Allow a comfort from home
If appropriate for your child and agreed with the nursery team, a familiar toy, comforter or small item connected with home may offer reassurance during the transition.
Tears at the door do not necessarily continue throughout the session. Our team will help your child regulate their feelings and become involved in familiar play when they are ready.
What if my child seems to go backwards?
Some children appear to settle confidently and then experience a ‘wobble’ several weeks later. They may become clingier, shed a few more tears or suddenly seem reluctant to separate.
This can happen as children begin to understand that nursery is now a regular part of their routine rather than a temporary visit. It can feel surprising, but it does not mean that the settling process has failed.
By this stage, your child will already be developing a relationship with their Key Person. Rather than beginning again, we reinforce that relationship, maintain a calm and consistent goodbye routine and work closely with you to provide reassurance.
These wobbles are often short-lived. Changes at home, tiredness, illness or returning after a break can also temporarily affect how a child feels at drop-off.
Supporting your child after nursery
Children often release their feelings when they return to the person with whom they feel safest. After nursery, your child may be quieter than usual, more emotional or keen to stay close to you.
You can support them by:
- offering warmth and connection without asking too many questions;
- allowing time for quiet play or rest;
- acknowledging their feelings without trying to dismiss them;
- keeping the evening routine familiar; and
- talking positively about small moments from their day.
Instead of asking, ‘Did you have a good day?’, try a more specific and manageable question such as, ‘Did you play outside today?’ or ‘What made you smile?’
When should I ask for extra help?
Always speak with your child’s Key Person or Nursery Manager if you are concerned. Working together allows us to understand what your child is communicating and adjust their support where needed.
You may also wish to speak to your health visitor if your child remains extremely distressed for a long time after you leave, their anxiety continues for more than a few weeks, or it is preventing them from taking part in everyday experiences. The NHS guidance on separation anxiety is a helpful further read.
Settling together
Separation anxiety can be difficult for parents as well as children. It is natural to miss your child, worry about their tears or wonder whether you are doing the right thing.
Please remember that you are not expected to manage this transition alone.
At Wildflower, we take time to understand every child and family. Through gradual settling sessions, a close relationship with your child’s Key Person and open communication throughout the process, we help children build trust at their own pace.
A few tears do not mean that something has gone wrong. With patient, consistent support, your child is learning something important: they can feel safe with trusted people, enjoy new experiences and be reunited with you at the end of the day.
Here to help you settle in
Every child settles at their own pace, and you are never doing this on your own.